1. Tell them about the separation together. Don't blame each other for the separation. Plan what you're going to say and rehearse it.
2. Tell them before someone else does.
3. Take care of yourself. If you are too tired, too stressed, stretched too thin, it is hard to be a good parent. If you have an addiction, it will be hard for you to be present when needed.
4. Don't argue in front of the children.
5. Don't make assumptions about the other parent. Parents sometimes change their behaviors when the separation occurs. Don't assume the way the parent has acted int he past is the way the parent will continue to behave. Don't assume the parent will act differently than before either however. Check in and talk with the other parent, ask what she/he expects and wants in a certain situation. You may be pleasantly surprised.
6. Keep the children's best interest in mind. What is "fair" from the parent's perspective may have nothing to do with what is in the child's best interest. An infant, who has not been weaned, may need the Mother to sleep on the couch at the Father's house until the child is weaned even though neither the Mother or the Father are pleased about having the Mother sleeping on the Father's couch. Adjustments to divorce occur faster if you can keep the children's interest in place. Otherwise, the focus is more on the dysfunctional emotions that are important to the parents, such as hurt and anger, rather than what the children need. Worse, an overemphasis on your own issues, bubbles over and artificially becomes the child's issue. For instance, a parent is hurt by the existence of the other parent's new partner. Rather than recognizing that as the hurt parent's issue, suddenly it becomes a safety issue for the child to spend time with the new partner.
7. Address how the separation impacts the child. Children want to know if they will be okay, have enough food, will change schools, have to move, will be able to keep their friends, etc. "Divorce" doesn't mean anything to the child or worse, means something they saw on television or something their friends told them. Every child is different and children at different development stages have different needs. There are lots of guides on line about how to tell children with different needs.
8. Let them know that Mom and Dad are okay.
9. Explain that emotions are okay. It will be impossible to hide all of your emotions. Let your child know it is natural and okay for you to be sad, to feel a loss or cry at times and that the emotion will pass and does not mean the child has to worry about you. You don't have to be "super-parent." Make sure you label the emotion appropriately so they child knows it is not about them. However, it is possible to tell the children too much. Be aware that your child may try to support you and act like an adult, or the lost partner even. Relieve the child of that burden; let the child be a child and make it clear you can handle the parenting.
10. Get help. Most parents don't know the kind of tension they will be going through, what to expect and what other parents have experienced. It is better to get the input of a counselor on whether a child is doing all right with the divorce before you discover they haven't done their homework for six weeks or have reverted to wetting their bed. There are divorce support groups. Knowing what others have felt can be empowering. Ask friends and family for help. Simple things like transportion or getting help with cooking can make life much easier.
11. Give children permission to bring up the separation. Most divorcing couples spend very little time talking to their children. Minutes. Let the children know that they can ask questions. Ask them how they are doing with the separation weeks and months after your first discussion.
12. Normalize what the child feels. It is natural and reasonable for a child to be worried and scared during the divorce. It's okay that they feel that way. But let them know they don't have to let their emotions control them because there are rational reasons to feel differently.
13. Don't criticize the other parent in front of the child. Every time you criticize a parent, the child is effected. The child may feel they need to protect the criticized parent or may feel the criticism is about them too.
14. Try to establish routines. Mom and Dad's house ideally but that is usually not possible and it is not the most important thing. Even if the routine is different at the other parent's house, support the other parent.
15. Talk with the other parent about how you will introduce new partners to the child.
16. Open the door with school, family, and day care to contact you if they see problems with the children. Many times you will not be contacted until it is too late or unless there is a serious problem. If you open the door earlier, problems can be nipped in the bud before they become bigger problems.
17. Recognize that you have a powerful impact and influence on your children and lots of resources and help available to you if you don't have all the answers.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
My Attorney Says She/He is Collaborative - What Should I Believe?
"Collaborative" is such an appealing word, that sometimes attorneys who have had a short introduction to the field, or who don't know any better, think, "That must be a good thing, I'd like to do that" and "If I advertise that I do Collaborative Law then I'll get clients interested in that." Consumers beware!
In law school attorneys learn to fight. Law school is three years of intense and exhaustive training. Collaborative law is very different. When one has gone through law school, and had lots of experience litigating and fighting, it is not easy to change all your habits overnight. Fortunately, the founders of Collaborative Law have been practicing exclusively in collaborative law for over 20 years. They have written books and created organizations that help lawyers become better collaborators. Over the years, as Collaborative Law has spread around the country and world, certain standards have been created and lessons have been learned. There is a huge wealth of research, knowledge, and experience percolating behind the scene.
Attorneys learn about the latest research and lessons learned by others by reading books, attending trainings, and participating in international, state and local practice groups where there is a dedication to improving collaborative practice. Attorneys who invest in this kind of self-improvement are of course more likely to a) have answers when there are problems b) have self-screened themselves in or out of the field and c) have access to help when they need it. Many attorneys get a short introduction to collaborative law at a lunch meeting or a half day seminar and are attracted to the concept. In no way are those persons trained and ready to do a collaborative case successfully.
Here in Spokane we are fortunate to have a very active and progressive practice group called Spokane County Collaborative Professionals ("SCCP"). We meet regularly to help improve each other's performance. We have a detailed and long set of protocols backed by years of experience. Every paid attorney member of SCCP receives a copy of the protocols. Many of us are members of Collaborative Professionals of Washington and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals ("IACP"}. All of us have meet minimum membership requirements have 30 hours of mediation training and have undergone two full days of training. Most of us have many more hours of advanced training with internationally respected experts. For instance, John Burke, has attended training in Toronto, San Diego, and Minneapolis.
Over the nearly 25 years collaborative law has been developing, throughout the hundreds of practice groups around the world, and in the writings and teachings of the leading scholars and experts in the field, certain consensuses have developed about what constitutes collaborative practice, how it is best practiced, and how to deal with the challenges of the field. Be very concerned about any lawyer claiming to be a "collaborative lawyer" if they don't know these standards, don't know the leading research in the field, or who want to cut corners or think certain aspects of collaborative practice are not necessary.
So the best thing you can do to find out if an attorney claiming to be "Collaborative" is likely to be successful guide for you through the unchartered territory of your divorce is to ask some questions? For instance: 1) where were you trained? 2) how much training have you had? 3)are you a member of the SCCP and IACP 4) how many collaborative law cases have you successfully resolved between two fully trained attorneys with a written disqualification agreement.
You can find out much more about really good collaborative lawyers are all about at www.collaborativepractice.com and LessHurtDivorce.com.
In law school attorneys learn to fight. Law school is three years of intense and exhaustive training. Collaborative law is very different. When one has gone through law school, and had lots of experience litigating and fighting, it is not easy to change all your habits overnight. Fortunately, the founders of Collaborative Law have been practicing exclusively in collaborative law for over 20 years. They have written books and created organizations that help lawyers become better collaborators. Over the years, as Collaborative Law has spread around the country and world, certain standards have been created and lessons have been learned. There is a huge wealth of research, knowledge, and experience percolating behind the scene.
Attorneys learn about the latest research and lessons learned by others by reading books, attending trainings, and participating in international, state and local practice groups where there is a dedication to improving collaborative practice. Attorneys who invest in this kind of self-improvement are of course more likely to a) have answers when there are problems b) have self-screened themselves in or out of the field and c) have access to help when they need it. Many attorneys get a short introduction to collaborative law at a lunch meeting or a half day seminar and are attracted to the concept. In no way are those persons trained and ready to do a collaborative case successfully.
Here in Spokane we are fortunate to have a very active and progressive practice group called Spokane County Collaborative Professionals ("SCCP"). We meet regularly to help improve each other's performance. We have a detailed and long set of protocols backed by years of experience. Every paid attorney member of SCCP receives a copy of the protocols. Many of us are members of Collaborative Professionals of Washington and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals ("IACP"}. All of us have meet minimum membership requirements have 30 hours of mediation training and have undergone two full days of training. Most of us have many more hours of advanced training with internationally respected experts. For instance, John Burke, has attended training in Toronto, San Diego, and Minneapolis.
Over the nearly 25 years collaborative law has been developing, throughout the hundreds of practice groups around the world, and in the writings and teachings of the leading scholars and experts in the field, certain consensuses have developed about what constitutes collaborative practice, how it is best practiced, and how to deal with the challenges of the field. Be very concerned about any lawyer claiming to be a "collaborative lawyer" if they don't know these standards, don't know the leading research in the field, or who want to cut corners or think certain aspects of collaborative practice are not necessary.
So the best thing you can do to find out if an attorney claiming to be "Collaborative" is likely to be successful guide for you through the unchartered territory of your divorce is to ask some questions? For instance: 1) where were you trained? 2) how much training have you had? 3)are you a member of the SCCP and IACP 4) how many collaborative law cases have you successfully resolved between two fully trained attorneys with a written disqualification agreement.
You can find out much more about really good collaborative lawyers are all about at www.collaborativepractice.com and LessHurtDivorce.com.
I Want To Kill My Spouse
You would be an unusual married person if you never had strong negative feelings about your spouse at some point during your relationship. Someone said the definition of passion is when you love someone just a little bit more than you hate them. Our society tells us that we should always love our spouses and children but it is entirely natural and normal to have many negative thoughts about the people we love. Why wouldn't you hate the person who at times makes extra work for you, spends money foolishly, and ignores your needs. That doesn't mean you don't also love this person. Therefore, do not chastise yourself for occasionally thinking negative thoughts about someone you love. And don't be surprised if someone who you think loves you also sometimes has very negative thoughts about you.
If we're doomed to have to live with conflicting feelings in our most intimate relationships, expect to occasionally have the negative feelings go out of balance and dominate your more positive thoughts. Even when divorcing, you do not have to let your negative thoughts get amplified out of proportion and distort your perspective of your spouse. Often, lawyers and the legal system encourage you to attack your spouse and foster you to run wild with your negative feelings. There are times when it is important to concentrate on the bad aspects of another person, but keep in mind that there were reasons you loved this person at one time, that those qualities were at one time predominate, and that if you have genetic children with this person - half of your child is carrying this person's genes.
Even if the marriage is over and your relationship with your spouse has to change, consider whether you want to emphasize only the negative aspects of your spouse and attack with all your might. Certainly, you can do that and litigating attorneys make lots of money when you do. You can expect an attacked person to potentially attack back however. You might want to consider whether that is how you want to conduct yourself, whether starting or continuing a fight is productive in the long run and what the impact is on your children, relatives, friends, career, community and wallet when you do escalate a shoving match.
There are consequences to going full speed ahead with litigation. Be aware of the impact of starting a war. There are alternatives to telling the world in a public document all the reasons your spouse is a lousy parent. There are methods of divorcing that recognize you and your spouse both have faults and positives aspects to your personalities and parenting styles. Collaborative Divorce is designed to promote the positive aspects of your relationship, support both of you as you transform into a different relationship and strengthen both of your abilities to support your children. Consider, the costs of running with your homicidal thoughts about your spouse before you choose the way to divorce. Consider Collaborative Divorce. See www.lesshurtdivorce.com
If we're doomed to have to live with conflicting feelings in our most intimate relationships, expect to occasionally have the negative feelings go out of balance and dominate your more positive thoughts. Even when divorcing, you do not have to let your negative thoughts get amplified out of proportion and distort your perspective of your spouse. Often, lawyers and the legal system encourage you to attack your spouse and foster you to run wild with your negative feelings. There are times when it is important to concentrate on the bad aspects of another person, but keep in mind that there were reasons you loved this person at one time, that those qualities were at one time predominate, and that if you have genetic children with this person - half of your child is carrying this person's genes.
Even if the marriage is over and your relationship with your spouse has to change, consider whether you want to emphasize only the negative aspects of your spouse and attack with all your might. Certainly, you can do that and litigating attorneys make lots of money when you do. You can expect an attacked person to potentially attack back however. You might want to consider whether that is how you want to conduct yourself, whether starting or continuing a fight is productive in the long run and what the impact is on your children, relatives, friends, career, community and wallet when you do escalate a shoving match.
There are consequences to going full speed ahead with litigation. Be aware of the impact of starting a war. There are alternatives to telling the world in a public document all the reasons your spouse is a lousy parent. There are methods of divorcing that recognize you and your spouse both have faults and positives aspects to your personalities and parenting styles. Collaborative Divorce is designed to promote the positive aspects of your relationship, support both of you as you transform into a different relationship and strengthen both of your abilities to support your children. Consider, the costs of running with your homicidal thoughts about your spouse before you choose the way to divorce. Consider Collaborative Divorce. See www.lesshurtdivorce.com
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Why Is A Divorce Coach Or Facilitator A Good Idea?
Often a divorce is so painful that the participants just want to get through it as fast as possible, thinking that will minimize the cost and pain. They therefore sweep their strongest feelings under the rug and think that will assure a minimum of conflict. I've had collaborative participants assure me that a) they never lose their cool b) that they never fight with their spouse and c) that I won't have to worry about them pushing each other's buttons. Not surprisingly, the suppressed feelings surfaced after a few meetings and greatly threatened the process. Ignoring your feelings and the ramifications of how you communicate usual results in your repeating unproductive patterns of interaction with your spouse.
A professional trained in communication, skilled in detecting how you and your spouse interact and experienced in recognizing the emotional ruts and traps you may be in, can lift you out of the muck of repeating the same behaviors and place you and your spouse into new and more productive patterns. My Father was trained as a car mechanic in the Marines when he was 16 years old. By the time he passed away, cars had become so complicated, that despite his background and training there was little that he could do under a car hood. Despite our familiarity with our relationships, few of us have the training, skills, and experience to effectively monkey around under the hoods of our complex relationships. If you're such an expert on your feelings and relationship, then why are you getting a divorce? If we're smart enough to know we need a mechanic to fix our cars shouldn't we be smart enough to know we can benefit from an astute person, with the smarts and dedication to earn an advanced degree, and who has spent many hours being trained to use special techniques in the very areas that are holding us back from moving forward?
Ironically, by thinking that if I just buckle down and ignore my feelings, not react when my spouse pushes my buttons, the result is that you are likely to get sidetracked by the same feelings that kept your marriage from succeeding. We don't want your divorce to just be a repeat of your marriage. We want to minimize the bad patterns from the marriage, be able to focus on the tasks that need our energy and attention in the collaborative process, and learn new behaviors to serve you down the road when you interact with your spouse. Therefore, employing a mental health professional on your collaborative divorce team, despite the additional expense, often ends up being the key ingredient to a faster and cheaper divorce and one that results in a deeper peace and a transformation of yourself and your relationship.
A professional trained in communication, skilled in detecting how you and your spouse interact and experienced in recognizing the emotional ruts and traps you may be in, can lift you out of the muck of repeating the same behaviors and place you and your spouse into new and more productive patterns. My Father was trained as a car mechanic in the Marines when he was 16 years old. By the time he passed away, cars had become so complicated, that despite his background and training there was little that he could do under a car hood. Despite our familiarity with our relationships, few of us have the training, skills, and experience to effectively monkey around under the hoods of our complex relationships. If you're such an expert on your feelings and relationship, then why are you getting a divorce? If we're smart enough to know we need a mechanic to fix our cars shouldn't we be smart enough to know we can benefit from an astute person, with the smarts and dedication to earn an advanced degree, and who has spent many hours being trained to use special techniques in the very areas that are holding us back from moving forward?
Ironically, by thinking that if I just buckle down and ignore my feelings, not react when my spouse pushes my buttons, the result is that you are likely to get sidetracked by the same feelings that kept your marriage from succeeding. We don't want your divorce to just be a repeat of your marriage. We want to minimize the bad patterns from the marriage, be able to focus on the tasks that need our energy and attention in the collaborative process, and learn new behaviors to serve you down the road when you interact with your spouse. Therefore, employing a mental health professional on your collaborative divorce team, despite the additional expense, often ends up being the key ingredient to a faster and cheaper divorce and one that results in a deeper peace and a transformation of yourself and your relationship.
Monday, December 14, 2009
How To Find a Great Collaborative Attorney
Collaborative Law is expanding rapidly throughout the world. Fortunately, there is an international organization setting the standard for practice in this challenging area.
Visit the IACP Website at www.collaborativepractice.com
The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, www.collaborativepractice.com, has a very user friendly website that will help you find a trained and qualified attorney specializing in collaborative law. "Collaborative" is a common word that people use in a variety of ways; however, the IACP is the leader in establishing the best practices and standards for all of the professionals involved in collaborative practice and collaborative law. It is very possible to find attorneys claiming to be "collaborative" who have never received any training or specialized education in this developing area of practice. You can be assured that members of the IACP at least meet a minimum threshold of relevant training in this unique and specialized area of the law.
Locate a state-wide organization overseeing collaborative law
Not all states have state-wide organizations focused on developing collaborative law. The State of Washington is fortunate to have one of the leading state-wide collaborative law organizations in the United States of America - Collaborative Practice of Washington. The website for Collaborative Practice of Washington is www.collaborativepracticewashington.com. You may be able to find additional qualified lawyers practicing in your state by searching for "Collaborative Law in (your state)."
Find your local collaborative law practice group
Most successful and competent attorneys practicing collaborative law understand the great benefits from participating in local practice groups. Local practice groups support and assist attorneys in refining their collaborative skills and knowledge. Collaborative Law training is not commonly available in law schools and most attorneys have no training or experience in formal collaborative law procedures. Finding a collaborative attorney who is an active member of a local practice group helps increase the chances you have found a serious and competent professional. Local collaborative law practice groups help sort out the best collaborative law practitioners from the pretenders. You can probably find your local collaborative law practice group by searching "collaborative law in (your city)." For example, the website for the local practice group in Spokane, Washington can be found at www.lesshurtdivorce.com.
Beware of untrained collaborative attorneys
Most attorneys have no training, education or experience in Collaborative Law. Most attorneys took no courses in law school regarding Collaborative Law. Most attorneys have never read a single book on Collaborative Law. Many attorneys are confused by the terms "Collaborative Law" and "Collaborative Practice" and misuse these terms if they use them at all. Some attorneys assume mere cooperativeness qualifies them as "collaborative attorneys." Collaborative Law is a unique set of procedures and processes that do not come easily or naturally to the typical attorney. Successful Collaborative Law attorneys nearly always need extensive and broad training way beyond the usual parameters of law school. Finding a Collaborative Attorney who is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and any available state and local practice groups will go a long ways in helping you find an excellent Collaborative Law attorney.
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