Why Is A Divorce Coach Or Facilitator A Good Idea?

Often a divorce is so painful that the participants just want to get through it as fast as possible, thinking that will minimize the cost and pain. They therefore sweep their strongest feelings under the rug and think that will assure a minimum of conflict. I've had collaborative participants assure me that a) they never lose their cool b) that they never fight with their spouse and c) that I won't have to worry about them pushing each other's buttons. Not surprisingly, the suppressed feelings surfaced after a few meetings and greatly threatened the process. Ignoring your feelings and the ramifications of how you communicate usual results in your repeating unproductive patterns of interaction with your spouse.



A professional trained in communication, skilled in detecting how you and your spouse interact and experienced in recognizing the emotional ruts and traps you may be in, can lift you out of the muck of repeating the same behaviors and place you and your spouse into new and more productive patterns. My Father was trained as a car mechanic in the Marines when he was 16 years old. By the time he passed away, cars had become so complicated, that despite his background and training there was little that he could do under a car hood. Despite our familiarity with our relationships, few of us have the training, skills, and experience to effectively monkey around under the hoods of our complex relationships. If you're such an expert on your feelings and relationship, then why are you getting a divorce? If we're smart enough to know we need a mechanic to fix our cars shouldn't we be smart enough to know we can benefit from an astute person, with the smarts and dedication to earn an advanced degree, and who has spent many hours being trained to use special techniques in the very areas that are holding us back from moving forward?



Ironically, by thinking that if I just buckle down and ignore my feelings, not react when my spouse pushes my buttons, the result is that you are likely to get sidetracked by the same feelings that kept your marriage from succeeding. We don't want your divorce to just be a repeat of your marriage. We want to minimize the bad patterns from the marriage, be able to focus on the tasks that need our energy and attention in the collaborative process, and learn new behaviors to serve you down the road when you interact with your spouse. Therefore, employing a mental health professional on your collaborative divorce team, despite the additional expense, often ends up being the key ingredient to a faster and cheaper divorce and one that results in a deeper peace and a transformation of yourself and your relationship.

How To Find a Great Collaborative Attorney

Collaborative Law is expanding rapidly throughout the world. Fortunately, there is an international organization setting the standard for practice in this challenging area.

Visit the IACP Website at www.collaborativepractice.com
The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, www.collaborativepractice.com, has a very user friendly website that will help you find a trained and qualified attorney specializing in collaborative law. "Collaborative" is a common word that people use in a variety of ways; however, the IACP is the leader in establishing the best practices and standards for all of the professionals involved in collaborative practice and collaborative law. It is very possible to find attorneys claiming to be "collaborative" who have never received any training or specialized education in this developing area of practice. You can be assured that members of the IACP at least meet a minimum threshold of relevant training in this unique and specialized area of the law.

Locate a state-wide organization overseeing collaborative law
Not all states have state-wide organizations focused on developing collaborative law. The State of Washington is fortunate to have one of the leading state-wide collaborative law organizations in the United States of America - Collaborative Practice of Washington. The website for Collaborative Practice of Washington is www.collaborativepracticewashington.com. You may be able to find additional qualified lawyers practicing in your state by searching for "Collaborative Law in (your state)."

Find your local collaborative law practice group
Most successful and competent attorneys practicing collaborative law understand the great benefits from participating in local practice groups. Local practice groups support and assist attorneys in refining their collaborative skills and knowledge. Collaborative Law training is not commonly available in law schools and most attorneys have no training or experience in formal collaborative law procedures. Finding a collaborative attorney who is an active member of a local practice group helps increase the chances you have found a serious and competent professional. Local collaborative law practice groups help sort out the best collaborative law practitioners from the pretenders. You can probably find your local collaborative law practice group by searching "collaborative law in (your city)." For example, the website for the local practice group in Spokane, Washington can be found at www.lesshurtdivorce.com.

Beware of untrained collaborative attorneys
Most attorneys have no training, education or experience in Collaborative Law. Most attorneys took no courses in law school regarding Collaborative Law. Most attorneys have never read a single book on Collaborative Law. Many attorneys are confused by the terms "Collaborative Law" and "Collaborative Practice" and misuse these terms if they use them at all. Some attorneys assume mere cooperativeness qualifies them as "collaborative attorneys." Collaborative Law is a unique set of procedures and processes that do not come easily or naturally to the typical attorney. Successful Collaborative Law attorneys nearly always need extensive and broad training way beyond the usual parameters of law school. Finding a Collaborative Attorney who is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and any available state and local practice groups will go a long ways in helping you find an excellent Collaborative Law attorney.